peculiar

It's 3pm on a Sunday and I am struck by the most curious sensation of having absolutely nothing to do. It's as if my options dissolved into midair and quite frankly, I don't wish to make any plans at all.

But what am I supposed to do to pass the time?

I could walk over to video king to rent a movie to watch to pass the time, but the popcorn maker has been stolen. What's a movie without popcorn?

I could go take a walk. In fact, as I was lying on the sofa just now, I thought of taking a long long walk to toa payoh, but the whole idea of moving made me feel tired all over again (pig, I know).

I thought of starting up a new blog. It's been awhile since I thought of doing that (I don't even know why). I think it's because I want to explore the different ways I could write.

(can you feel the lethargy in my voice right now?)

I could also go out and board a random bus (not that there are many, there are three) to a random stop and then to a random train station and take nice pictures there with my camera. unfortunately my sister has gone out with her friend and in my groggy state I (no, even not in my groggy state i would have) lent her my dslr.

It's rather unfair because I'm dressed rather nicely today even if my hair is looking like ultimate crap.

So what I'm probably going to do is to drink the soup that is here on the table next to me, then grab an ice cream from the fridge. I have Neil Gaiman's American Gods on the table too. I might read, or play temple run on my phone, or read lovely articles on thoughtcatalog.com, or tumblr.

or just troll social media sites all day.

or maybe, I'll be struck by another sudden desire to type something like and boring like this and I'll write another post tonight about my life.

taking an unlicensed break hahaha

egaddd you have no idea how badly i'm dying.

self-imposed incarceration. quite comfortable but nonetheless studying is so suffocating and stifling I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. you know how the closer you get to the end the worse it feels. It's like when I do my 2.4 and I'm at the last lap everything feels that much tougher.

ok so tomorrow will be my last paper and I should be using this last day for studying chem wisely but OMG SERIOUSLY I CANNOT because I'm dying just thinking about all the things I want to do post-promos ngah ngah ngah.

yesterday was amelia's birthday so I crashed her house with jesslyn and surprised the shit out of her because neither of us are supposed to know where she lives hurhurhur. it's quite sad for her I guess because she spent the rest of the day studying but it was alright I had fun hopefully she did too haha.

then I found out how badly i'm just dying to go shopping

SHOPPING

SHOPPING

SHOPPING

SHOPPING.

I can't even begin to describe it. I wanted to go to orchard last night just so I could walk into a store, like topshop or something, and touch the clothes (hahaha i sound like some addict) but omg :(

one more day one more day. I'm not even sure how I'll do for the exam tomorrow but seriously I'm just about to explode implode detonate from the suspense.

I want to shop

and watch movies (hehe last night I went out to video king and rented The Adjustment Bureau and Love & Other Drugs. I also got magazines all prepared for slacking hahaha)

and go take photographs

and dance

and play

this is the longest one day I'm going to have. I shouldn't even be online I'm halfway through a past year promo paper. I want to watch a movie now, actually.

Studying all the time makes me feel extremely obese (to all who're thinking shut up, you shut up :( ) because I'm becoming all flabby and glued to my seat. I hate running but last night I actually considered jogging JUST FOR SOMETHING TO DO.

I'm so anxious for promos to end.

end now pls I don't want to wear my school uniform i want to dress up ):

all hopeful now. less than 24h :>

Y'know

Just in case whoever still reads this thinks I'm suffering from severe chronic (does that even make sense?) depression or something, I don't. haha, it's just that I never feel a need to purge (my feelings) when I'm feeling happy. or something.

but I'd just thought I'd share this:

it's beautiful

This, my friends, is Goldkenn's Remy Martin liquor bar. which is actually very interesting because it's filled with actual champagne inside that delectable chocolate. I was surprised. This is also beginning to sound like an advertorial, which it's not.

Moving on.

Remember how it's during these most inappropriate times that I come up with the most time-consuming and retarded ideas? Or maybe just how I come up with the most time-wasting ideas when there is no time.

like, at this very moment I just remembered I have a lit assignment due tomorrow (I assume by midnight because there was no specification for time hehe), but I'm going to tell errbuddy about some fancy idea I came up with. It's hardly original, but I want to make a blog and post videos of my sis and I singing and doing stupid things (not exhaustive, of course, actually I'd open it up to anyone, we can share :> maybe.), partially because I finally figured out how nuffnang works (shut up); cos I figured, why not make the best of my youth and embarrass myself now instead of 20 years down the road when I'm too old and fat and wrinkly to do so?

but it's just an idea. I guess I was also inspired by the funny video of my mom and I in the car in the post below this one. hehe.

I have so many things to be grateful for, like how I'm an OGL now (excited!!!!) and how street is preparing for our concert next year and how I'm (hopefully) improving in my studies? That last one is a big fat hugeass maybe, but still, I'm hopeful. so my worries are just going to have to take a backseat, and hopefully they'll work themselves out.

no use worrying or letting things eat at you now.

I am looking forward to performing at some busking thing outside wisma on the 27th (next sat!) and also for teacher's day. I sincerely hope I do not screw up but I think I'll also take it in my stride, whatever happens. hahahhahahhahhaha fingers crossed.

AND GUYS I AM GOING FOR PARAMORE TMR FOR FREE.

just sayin.

So My Mom Said

I shouldn't publish this on facebook.

I just wish

Let me be,

because I am a ticking time bomb that doesn't know when it will explode.

So for now let me dwell in what I am and Do Not Touch.

There are things that make my everyday wonderful, and for once I would like to spend a day just dwelling in it all without having something to dampen my spirits. I am sick of having my mood affected by parasitic thoughts that take up so much of my time and energy. Nothing good ever comes out of it. It is futile; but I do it anyway.

I want to be selfish. I want to ignore the fact that everyone else has feelings too. I want to stop caring.

but I can't.

so I guess the next best thing to do would be to just back away, remove myself. If I don't see it, it isn't there.

It's been awhile

but I'm okay.

Thinking.

I don't think I'm the same person I was before I started JC. I used to be a lot more carefree. thought less. Now it seems not a day passes without me having some thought or the other weighing me down. at some point of the day. It doesn't even have to be any actual thought; everything just feels quite dull.

There's tension, there's school. I miss being relaxed and not having to worry about anything.

right now my grades suck, I have not enough time on my hands and I'm drained; but I'm still online wasting my time. don't really care.

don't want to care.

sometimes I wonder what'd happen if I just upped and left everything.

I'm not depressed though, there are good moments. very very good moments. occasionally.

just thinking. just thought I'd put this down.

Lighthearted

I realise the past 2 posts have been very heavy and thought-loaded haha. I'm o.k. now. :)

It's the holidays and yesterday was my sister's birthday. she had 4 cakes.

F.O.U.R CAKES WTS but they were all so cute I didn't really get photos of everything and I'm so lazy to click the upload button. her birthday was so grand and lovely, some luxurious bigass dinner with friends. i'm so glad because I had a good time catching up with yanting and louisa (you stupid girls keep me out of the loop for the longest time).

for the next week I will be in pre-u sem, something i'm pretty psyched about hehe. I hope everything turns out well, and maybe I should start packing.

so many exciting things in june!!!! <3

Inconsequential

There is only the self.

There is rarely any point in trying to make others understand. It makes you feel better to think that when someone knows what you're feeling they could sympathize. You feel frustrated when someone gets something wrong, when they misunderstand - but it's nobody's fault. There is an infinite number of facets to our thoughts, which makes it nearly impossible for anyone to fully comprehend our train of thought. Hell, it's difficult enough to understand yourself, why start on others?

Whatever happens to you is, at the end of the day, inconsequential to others. They can sympathize, even empathize, but to feel anything for your circumstances is merely a cathartic experience that they can easily remove themselves from.

You are your own problem.

Tension

I would like to remove myself from society so there are no obligations to please or match the expectations of anyone. At this point of time all relationships feel superficial and everything we do seem subject to the interpretation and judgement of others. I am beginning to forget what genuine friendship feels like, where there is unconditional understanding, no imposition of expectations on a person's behaviour. I would like to ignore the effects of my behaviour and actions on people, to stop worrying for now.

I don't want to be expected to behave in anyway; can I take a break now?

because this is so so tiring.

peace in solitude.

Application

In lit we learn about how each era has it's own key issues and concerns, and I was thinking, if I had to sum up the concerns of this generation, it would probably include themes like

• identity
• friendship
• emotions
• society

which essentially revolves around the same idea, I think. none are exclusive of the other.

We should write singaporean teen literature. and that means one more theme would be something along the lines of

• education vs passion

but i'm talking like real literature and not chick lit (although I do enjoy reading them once in awhile if you're writing or if you're sophie kinsella please keep writing), and years down the road we will have teenagers studying these texts and being able to fully relate to all these.

We all wonder what it means to be yourself. It's The Question of the Century. I think teenagers are very complicated creatures with varying moods and faces and I don't think it makes us any less ourselves at all. So what if one day we're talkative and the next we're all loners. We're young and we need time to dwell in the silence and just think about life and what we're doing where we're going.

and along with that we wonder what friendship means. is it what we share with the people on facebook or is it saying hi to someone in the corridor or is it what we share with the people we laugh with in school everyday or is it what we have with people we've known for a long time or is it what we have with people we trust?

are there different levels of friendship?

and that last bit about education vs passion. I don't even feel like talking about it.

but can someone tell me how i can make $$ with a non-boring job?

-

on a less serious note, I enjoy school very much. I like being distracted by everything, like last wednesday while I was trying to finish my literature assignment

in the canteen:

and in the library:

just saying.

and the next few photos are just random photos i found in my photobooth album. this was me julia n jean at our disney sleepover i miss y'all loads omg. :(

what did I do right to deserve gems like y'all? <3

Chillin

It's the little things that make my days so memorable. Today I got home at 10pm, sat down with my cousin at the dining table; we blasted random songs & sang.

Old

Today in church, I asked a little boy of 5 if he'd heard of an encyclopedia. I described it as a great big book with everything in it, and how I got all my knowledge from there before the computer came about.

He said no.

All good

It's a fine Saturday afternoon, and I feel good :)

because I just had a beautiful night's rest 2am - 1.30pm tell me that's not fantastic. been awhile since I've been able to sleep in like that (or feels like it, at least). I haven't touched this blog for ages but, oh well.

I'm settling well into school, soaking up the atmosphere - work hard, play hard, tire myself out, rest & repeat. kinda reminds me of a picture i saw awhile ago:

I want all 3

but k gotta remember that i've got my family, do not get too sucked up into the fun and madness, gotta remember to go home early & love everyone.

After the first awkward moments, I've begun to realise that everyone around me is just the same, no one is having it easy (ok if you're one of those people who is having it easy just.. don't), i.e. they have problems finishing work on time, juggling everything too but we all wanna do well. and knowing that you're not alone is really comforting.

In fact, I've realised that I have very lovely, understanding friends in my class and all around I feel so loved :') I tried to elaborate but I really can't that sentence encompasses all I feel about you all.

Yesterday I was feeling really trashed and exhausted after chem lecture & so, I turned to amelia & suggested we go to the library for a nap. apparently she had the same thoughts hahaha i hope this doesn't become a habit.

but if you see us sleeping in the library in the near future don't judge.

-

Last week was the march holidays, I went to taiwan & had a blast. here r pretty pictures:

our preferred form of communication: walkie talkie

shilin chicken bigger than my face

very, very good pau.

us being all victorious after completing a maze

This was how my holiday was spent. I had a mad time trying to catch up with work but it was so worth it.

The New and the Familiar

I’ve been feeling really pensive lately, especially late at night when the bustle of school life is gone and I’m left alone at home to think.

School’s been great but it’s also really tiring; it’s not exactly natural for someone like me to do work but I’ve been feeling the (good kind of) peer pressure. Everyone around me is really hardworking and it pushes me to want to do better; do my homework, read my notes.

I just hope I can keep it up, because it’s already really tiring and this is only the beginning.

It’s a totally new environment right now, and the people are different. I’ve been missing the familiarity of old friends; at some point in the last week I was pretty down because it felt like there was no one I could talk to or ever be friends with.

Then I realised that I was trying so hard to look for what I had in the friendships that were built over time. So, I will be optimistic because things only go up from here. :)

New Stuff

few years ago I would never have imagined taking public transport to school on my own in the morning hahaha. but now that i live so near to school it's easier to just go on my own, and i get to wake up later. :)

over the mornings i have made friends with a mother n a very cute p1 boy who goes to st gabriel's primary because there was one fantastic morning the bus took 15 minutes to travel 1 bus stop & we made conversation. they are very nice & it makes me happy when I see them in the morning.

hahaha one of the conversations with the little boy went like

boy: i know you!

me: orly?

boy: YA you have a sister!

mum: no la you recognize wrong girl already. *turns to me* do you have a sister?

me: ya.... but she never take bus with me leh.

mum: wrong girl la!

boy: NO I KNOW YOU YOU'RE THE GIRL WHO SPILLED WATER ON THE BUS.

k guilty as charged lolol.

first morning to school on the bus my water bottle was not capped properly and all the water exploded outward and drowned the bus. apparently little boy was there hahaha. but POINT IS: it's so nice to meet nice random people.

-

on the other hand, school has sort of started proper. we attend lectures now & we have our classes (and i can't help but miss my OG haha y oh y). it's only first week and i feel the pressure to study it's insane i actually pre-read my lecture notes if u know me u know this is shit ass weird but YEAH I DID OKAY?~!

also, i have chopped off my long fringe for a.. shorter fringe. i will not call it bangs because i don't like bangs n my fringe is not thick. (i think they were unintentionally cut as bangs but ok la wtv i will change it it's alr starting to grow nicely hehe) bangs made me look so generic walao don't want.

don't wanna be generic.

k la not bad leh.

my lubly OG doo scooby please say you see the resemblance.

& this is the day we played raving rabbids tv party @ deborah's house (as an OG i know this photo only three of us hahaha). i tried to look for a picture that would show how much fun we had but rly cannot unless i take out my memories and serve them on a picture for you all.

TOTALLY BACKDATED. BUT I'M BACK.

WAH SO LONG NEVER POST ANYTHING ON MY BLOG. you know why? because my internet is shit. and there was this one night (16 jan 2011) when I was miraculously inspired but no~ CANNOT. so it is now february (cny, adults are having dinner now) and i am posting a super duper backdated entry. sigh.

-

I guess it's pretty lame that my first post of 2011 is not my new year resolutions or about my holidays but about this very lame mundane topic; but every event that's been happening has been piling up in my brain and the very idea of putting it all into one giant post is so so daunting just thinking about it makes me want to die.

so since I last left off I have:

1) went to & been back from Canada

2) taken Delf B2 and gotten the results

3) received my higher chinese and french results

4) celebrated the new year

5) started school

I have not, however, taken these tests:

1) SAT1

2) Piano

but really got no mood to think about studying. Canada was a really good break for me after the hectic Delf preparation and higher chinese and all that nonsense. Thank God it paid off. Now I know the StayFocusd extension is really beyond useful (& now I have to use it during exam periods. damn.)

BUT OK THAT IS NOT THE POINT OF MY POST TODAY.

I was inspired by how bloody unfriendly Singaporeans can be to strangers, and how the atmosphere in public spaces is so hostile.

Today I met some uncle on the train he said he was from philippines, but Malaysian citizen, but working in Singapore. so normally I do not talk to strangers but he had a very smiley face so ok la then he randomly talked to me about generic things like how he liked singaporean law not so corrupted like malaysia etc etc.

& then I realised that this would never happen between stranger singaporeans lor.

-

that's about all i had before my internet fizzled out and slit its wrists and bled backward and died.

:( but since THEN,

i have:

1. started and finished JIP and JC Orientation

2. am in the midst of cny (today is 初二 day 2 of chinese new year)

cny is so boring. i have no mood. :(

see first day we also no one to go visit so we random-tripped down to sentosa and hung around. pretty fun! but not cny.

our reunion dinner was pretty homey though. <3