at the moment I really want to be a lot prettier; I want to be tragically beautiful. what does that mean, anyway? I just want people to describe me as that. I suppose it goes both ways I could be so devastatingly ugly that people think I'm tragic and there's a kind of beauty in tragedy... but then I could be so beautiful that people can't bear to look lest they frown upon their own mediocre exterior and commit suicide.
I hate that I'm so superficial but I can't help it. I confessed the other day that I cannot help but look at myself in reflective surfaces (I really hope I'm not the only one). somedays it's better somedays it's worse. I think usually it's those ugly-days that I keep looking and feeling depressed.
and I know I'm not ugly but I could be better. hahaha. I fall into the region of averageosity but I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL. I feel so normal in all aspects. I also think this feeling of ugly has to do with the loss of my long hair, such a devastating loss.
hold on, jody. quit with the emo. this isn't what you came on to blog about.
only very partially.
why am I dissatisfied with my blog url again? because it feels so unsuitable for what I feel most times. I picked it out from a random header in my notebook while trying to thrash out literature things and now it feels so unsuitable. alexithymia.
anyway, I just looked into the mirror and the feeling of dissatisfaction is gone (haha, I know it sounds like I am narcissistic and suddenly find myself very gorgeous but no, I just feel okay now). I am very fickle and my moments come and go very sporadically.
oh well, emo moment gone.
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